You have ended a relationship and felt heartbroken, maybe you feel like a failure and you are also lonely. It can be easy to avoid the pain by dating someone new, you know distracting yourself with attention from the opposite sex. When you feel heartbroken it easy to try to find distraction in dating. Someone finding you attractive always makes you feel good, but it is often empty when you haven’t take the time to deal with the heartache you experienced.
You can’t avoid the pain of heartbreak – it is something that you need to take the time to feel and to process. Distraction or avoidance only drags out and suppresses the pain of the hurt for it to raise its ugly head down the track. It is important to feel the pain and take the time to heal the hurts.
‘Grief after a relationship ends gives you the window to heal your wounds and begin again’. Louise Hay and David Kessler
12 Reasons why Dating when your Heartbroken never WORKS
1. Learn the Lessons
Every relationship is there to teach you something. If you don’t learn the lessons you will end up repeating them until you do. Look at what went wrong in the relationship and your role, take the time to really look at your relationship objectively. You are only responsible for your actions, so take the time to look at them. To do this is important to not take all the blame or none of the blame but radical responsibility for your actions. It is time to stop leaving the most important relationship to chance and look at what you need and what you can’t live with. By doing this you will be able to create the relationship you have always wanted. You need time on your own to be able to do this, so make sure do. It is your best chance of not repeating the same pattern in the future.
2. Too sensitive
You are still hurting from your break up and it makes you ultra-sensitive. As a result, you will find you are more vulnerable then you usually are. You will find yourself looking for what might go wrong, for any flaws and faults so you can protect yourself from the pain you felt in the past. This is not the best place to come from when meeting new people as you are not in a good mind frame.
Needy is always unattractive! When you meet people, they can sense it without you having to say anything. You may be looking for validation, you know to feel good and this makes you come off as needy. It results in behaviours like wanting to see the person a lot, being anxious if you don’t hear from them, texting/calling and being too available. You don’t want to be alone as you will have to feel the pain, so you will do anything to avoid it include being too available.
4. Distrustful and Paranoid
Whatever went wrong in your last relationship can end up making you misread what is happening when you meet someone new. You can over analyse all the little things they do or don’t do as you are so focused on avoiding the pain of the past. It makes you distrustful and paranoid. It’s like relationship post-traumatic stress disorder.
When you are not over your ex you will compare them to everyone you date. On each date, you will think yourself thinking they are not as good as the person you have broken up with. They are still so much a part of you that you can’t help it. This is why it is so important to give yourself time otherwise you don’t give anyone new a fair chance.
You bring your past hurts into your new relationship as you haven’t dealt with them. The new person will innocently do something that reminds you of your ex and you will be triggered and act irrationally to your new partner. It may be anger or hurt but you will end up creating problems that don’t exist.
7. Failures hurt more
You are in a vulnerable place so any let down or failure in dating will hurt more. The person who stands you up or doesn’t want to see you again will have a huge effect on your self-esteem. You will be ten times as it you weren’t coming from a place of hurt.
8. Low Standards
You are looking to feel better so end up accepting less and lowering your standards. You will do anything to avoid being alone and failing your pain.
9. Causes codependency
It’s important to be able alone in between relationships. You have one person who is with you throughout life and that is you, so it is important to get comfortable with YOU. It may be hard at first but it is worthwhile. If you can’t do this you can end up developing co-dependency issues because of your fear of being alone.
10.Nothing to Give
You may feel you have given everything in a previous relationship and you have nothing left. It can make you overly selfish and focused on yourself. As important as your needs are, so are the other person’s and a good relationship works in perfect balance between the two. To get over a heartbreak you need to take the time to be selfish and to take care of yourself. You have to give all of your healing energy to yourself so, you aren’t really there for someone new who may need your comfort or support for anything. Or alternatively you can come from a place of over giving to keep the person, which doesn’t work. You can’t suppress your needs forever.
11. Can’t see the new person
You don’t see the new person as you are still heartbroken over your ex. You don’t end up giving them a real chance as your perspective is off and is foggy.
12. Need to Grieve
If you were in love and it didn’t work out you need time to grieve, essentially you need a mourning period. You can’t pretend it never happened just because it didn’t work out.