Someone has ghosted you, didn’t want a second date or broke up with you after dating for a while. What do you do when someone doesn’t want you? How do you cope with that rejection?
Rejection hurts! In fact, rejection SUCKS! Rejection NEVER EVER feels good!
It may be hard to reject someone but it is always worse to be on the receiving end.
When you are ghosted or rejected, it leaves you with many unanswered questions about why. What was it that they didn’t like about you, were you not hot enough, smart enough, rich enough – what was it? It can end up driving you crazy thinking about the why and when it comes to ghosting it is even worse!
Years ago I had been seeing a guy for a month and I made the decision to break up with him but he beat me to. He had decided to go back to his ex. I was quite upset and this surprised me as I had planned to break up with him! But it was the fact that he didn’t want to be with me that stung, the rejection.
In this case it wasn’t about me, he simply wasn’t over his ex! Many times the rejection is not personal. In my example, it wasn’t about me at all, he simply wasn’t over his ex.
Don’t ever let rejection define you. You are not a failure because someone wasn’t interested in you.
Our brain works on the rule of three, when something happens three times it sees this as a fact. If you have been rejected 3 times the brain interrupts it as though you just aren’t successful in dating/relationships.
But the rule of three is often untrue, especially when it comes to dating
The problem is about who you choose to date! If you date people who are not over their ex, who don’t want a commitment or who are looking for an ego boost from dating then you are likely to experience rejection! All because they aren’t in the right place to give you what you want.
‘Every time I think I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better.’ Dr Steve Maroboli
Rejection actually causes you to feel physical pain and if you don’t deal with the feeling it can affect your health. It can cause asthma, arthritis, heart problems and depression. Therefore, it is important to have strategies to deal with rejection.
Here are 8 Steps to Cope with Rejection
1.Take time out to deal with it.
If you didn’t get the second date, or had been dating for a while and were rejected it hurts. Nowadays there is such a focus on being positive. However, it is important to take the time to feel and process your emotions rather than forcing yourself to smile.
It can help to cry, punch a pillow, write in a journal or talk to people who care about you. Talking to friends and getting their perspective helps. They are able to see the situation without emotional attachment, and be able to see when you’re making it personal and being too hard on yourself.
When you are rejected it is normal to feel shell shocked and upset. It will hurt and that is ok. Sit with your feelings rather than trying to push them away. This allows the feelings to pass. If you suppress your feelings it will prolong the healing process and you will find your suppressed emotions will have a tendency to come up later at unexpected times.
2. Don’t take it personally
It is easy to think the rejection is 100% about you. You know, you were rejected because you weren’t good looking enough, didn’t earn enough, not smart or funny enough. It can be too easy to think there is something wrong with you and go into a downward spiral. But I can tell you rejection is usually more about where the other person is and what is happening for them. The other person has their ‘own’ stuff (baggage), as well as their own self-doubts. They may not have moved on from a previous relationship or might just realise you aren’t a good fit.
Sometimes the person isn’t ready to date and they only realise it when they have started dating you. Or they just aren’t over their ex. In all of these cases it wouldn’t have mattered who you were.
The key is to not take it personally as it really isn’t all about you and what you lack. In fact, it probably has very little to do with you.
Take the things you can learn from this experience but don’t wallow in blame as nothing is ever all your fault.
3. Accept It!
If you truly want to get over rejection and move on, you need to accept it. Realise that the person doesn’t want to be with you and let go.
Do not argue the point or try and talk them out of it! This is one of the reasons why people ghost. If someone takes the time to break up with you, accept it and move on. Don’t get angry or nasty rather be classy!
Chasing after someone who rejected you is a lost cause. I know it is human nature to want something that you can’t have or that is taken away but all that will do is make you feel worse. Don’t let this control your actions and stop you from moving forward to be with someone who wants to be with you.
4. Be Kind to Yourself
You would be kind to a friend who has been rejected and gone through a break up. So be your own best friend and treat yourself with compassion and sympathy. It is easy to go into a downward spiral in your thoughts and be quite nasty in what you say to yourself. You could get stuck in the loop of saying you are not good enough, no-one wants you, etc. But when you hear yourself saying that, imagine a huge cancelled stamp, stamping out the thought. It is time to stop saying hurtful things to yourself in your head as these thoughts have an actual effect on your self-esteem and your mood. Replace them with the thought that you are unique and loveable.
5. Tools to Deal with How you Feel
Take the time to feel your feelings and process the rejection but don’t wallow. Wallowing in the rejection will not help you move on or feel better. It just makes things worse.
Here are five practical things you can do to feel better:
- Spend time doing activities that you love and enjoy to take your mind off the rejection.
- Exercise, as it decreases stress hormones and increases the body’s natural feel good hormones in as little as 30 minutes.
- Gratitude – reduces toxic emotions like envy, frustration, regret, resentment, etc. It increases empathy and reduces aggression. Gratitude is appreciating everything you have; big and small; good and bad (there is a gift or lesson in every experience).
- Meditation – reduces stress, gives you more focus, less anxiety, makes you more creative, more compassionate, better memory and can lessen the effects of aging on the brain.
- Smile – Faking a smile or laugh works as well as the real thing; the brain doesn’t know the difference. Smiling releases endorphins to make you feel happy, lower stress levels and are the body’s natural pain killers. Give the world a big smile. You will instantly feel better
Getting rejected is a part of life and you can learn and grow from the experience. Take the time to be honest with yourself about how you were and came across. Ask yourself what you can learn from it and what you would do differently next time. Be curious rather than judgemental. By taking the time to do this you will reduce the risk of rejection in the future. It is all about continual improvement. If you were applying for a job you would look at what you could do to improve your chances of getting it. The same applies to dating, maybe you need to work on your conversation skills or what you talk about on a date.
7. This is Temporary/Keep Going
Don’t fall into the slump that you won’t meet anyone and that it’s not worth trying. This can be a self-fulling prophecy.
If you don’t get a job, you keep trying until you do. The same applies to dating. This is a temporary setback. You might not be what everyone is looking for, but you only need the person who is right for you and dating is a numbers game so don’t give up. Remember the person you are looking for is also looking for you.
Don’t stay in your comfort zone, even if it feels tempting. When you push your boundaries, even if you get rejected, it will make you grow. Take the time to celebrate the fact that you are getting out of your comfort zone and meeting new people
You don’t have to face rejection alone, remember Dare2Date offers coaching services to help cope in all areas of dating.