Men Pulling Away – Is the Rubber Band Theory Still a Thing?

By 5 February, 2020 Advice for Women, Blog
rubber band

Men Pulling Away – is the Rubber Band Theory Still a Thing?

The answer is YES and I first wrote about it in 2013  and nothing has changed other than my writing has improved! Men pulling away is still a thing and it has been around forever!

Let me paint you a picture to let you know what it is:

You have finally met a guy you like, everything feels great. You hear from him all the time and you are in no doubt whatsoever that he likes you. He pursues you and convinces you how much he likes you. He gets past your defences and wins you over!

You are excited that you have finally met someone that you like!

Then he backs off a little! You feel that distance and are left wondering what has happened. It leaves you feeling confused, annoyed and a little angry as he went to all that trouble to get you to like, trust and open your heart. Only to back away from you!

This is exactly why you didn’t want to open up in the first place!

In fact, you are left feeling insecure and even a bit needy. Your automatic response is to move closer to him to fill the gap between you. You want to find out what is going on with him. You want to find out what has changed and you want reassurance.

The problem is when you do this, he pulls back even more.

You are left confused! What happened, everything was going so well. Which in turn causes you to chase after him even more.

You change from the easy-going, fun girl to someone who seems to be clingy and wanting attention.

Then the guy is left wondering how that girl who seemed so different from the others has become just like them – insecure and needy. He doesn’t for a moment consider that the change in his actions resulted in the insecurity

Rubber Band Theory

I want to let you in on a secret this is a common stage for men and it even comes with its own name– the Rubber Band Theory!

To explain the rubber band theory, I want you to picture a giant rubber band around your guy and you. When there is tension and distance the rubber band will generally pull the person back – which is what you want. However, if there is too much tension it will break or not enough and he will pull further away.

So, when you feel your guy pulling away or getting a little distant, you pull away a little yourself. It makes the rubber band stretch and causes the rubber band to pull him back to you!

The Rubber Band Theory comes from Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus book by John Gray. Understanding the rubber band theory is a game-changer for women that will enable you to understand how men work so you don’t freak out or wreck a great relationship.

Men and women may be equal but think and react differently, knowing this makes dating and relationships so much easier! Research suggests that men get energy and more testosterone from retreating to their cave, whereas women get energy and oxytocin from talking and connection.

The rubber band theory is understanding that men need to pull back, to have some space to understand how they feel about you!

Allowing the guy this space will allow him to feel more attracted to you. This is tough for women as our automatic reaction when someone pulls away, is to move towards them to see if they are ok and to find out what is going wrong. At this point, you need to ignore that automatic response and give him a little more space than he thinks he needs. This creates the tension he needs to be drawn back to you – in fact, he can’t help it!

Game Playing

You may feel like this seems like game playing but it isn’t. The pulling away tends to happen at tipping points in relationships. It is the time where the relationship will grow into something real or die out.

Men need the opportunity to miss the lady to find out if she is the right fit for him. It gives him the time to work out what he feels for you and realise how lucky he is to have you. Women are the complete opposite! We need to spend time with a man to find out if he is right for us!

Don’t Jump to Conclusions!

It is important to understand this difference and not give it the wrong meaning by jumping to conclusions. Every relationship will go through this stage, when you understand that, it makes it easy to cope with.

Keep enjoying your life! Go out with friends and keep busy.

Of course, sometimes the guy will not come back and the best answer is to let it go!

If you want to increase desire at all stages of your relationship just use the rubber band theory.

Best Way to Use the Rubber Band Theory

It’s simple mirror what he does! If he is busy then make sure you are also busy and not sitting around waiting for him. When he pulls away, you pull away. When he comes back, don’t punish him but enjoy being with him.

Not an Excuse

A simple word of warning the Rubber Band Theory is not an excuse to allow men to treat you poorly or only see you when it suits them. This is not what I am talking about here, nor was Dr John Gray in his book.

Debbie x

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