Time to Stop Accepting Dating Crumbs
Do you find yourself accepting dating crumbs when you want a real relationship?
Is this you – you long for that wonderful relationship where you meet someone who loves and adores you, yet find yourself in relationships where that doesn’t happen. The reality is that you end up accepting dating crumbs.
You accept people who are:
- Happy to see you but don’t want to make a commitment to you.
- You are unsure of what they think about you.
- There is a lot of drama in the relationship.
- Are on again, off again.
- Reject you but keep breadcrumbing you.
- Give you just enough attention to keep you hanging around.
- People who blow hot and cold.
- Don’t give you what you want.
- You have lots of chemistry with yet not much else.
You hate how things are, yet you feel if you keep seeing them when they want then they will see how amazing you are and finally commit to you. Because you give them EVERYTHING and they still don’t want to be in a relationship with you it is seriously affecting your self-esteem. If they did want that relationship it would prove that you have worth.
From time to time you try to date other people, but they just don’t seem to measure up to the excitement of being with these types of people.
Waste Years Accepting Dating Crumbs
As a Relationship Coach, I see this situation all the time! If you are a woman, these types of men rarely if EVER change and give you what you want. For the guys reading this, women can be won over with the right approach. Over the last decade, I have worked with countless women who have wasted their best years on these types of men and even missed out on their chance to have children. I DON’T WANT THIS TO BE YOU, I don’t want you to continue to accept dating crumbs.
Why Accepting Dating Crumbs is Addictive
I want to explain why these types of relationships are so addictive and it starts with me explaining an experiment on mice/rats.
Back in the 1950s, behavioural research scientists studied how mice/rats — responded to rewards. At first, these lab rats received a food pellet every single time they pressed a lever. The rats behaved normally because they knew what to expect. But this changed when the researchers changed to a reward schedule. Instead of getting a food pellet every time they pressed a lever, the rats only got their reward sometimes. The scientists expected the rats to get bored and ignore the lever but they didn’t.
When the rats couldn’t predict when the lever would reward them, they got obsessed. They were so obsessed that they didn’t behave normally. They even stopped grooming and other normal rat behaviours. This is called intermittent rewards, and it’s the strongest way to reinforce a behaviour.
This is what happens when you have these on again off again relationships, where you can’t predict what will happen it makes you obsessed with the person. Just like gambling, people will go back time and time again for that one win and it doesn’t matter that they are losing so much more than they gain.
That unpredictability is addictive and brings the gamblers back time and time again. That same unpredictability is addictive in relationships!
Once you have gotten a taste for the exciting ups and downs in a relationship it’s hard to choose something else. Your brain literally looks for the same type of excitement. You end up finding a normal and safe person boring. It explains why you will literally accept the ‘dating crumbs’ you are being offered as it is your random reward!
There is something quite sexy and compelling about someone who likes you but not quite. You want to prove you are worthwhile by winning them over. Combine this with the chemicals released in your brain when you are attracted to someone than giving them up is the equivalent to giving up drugs. It’s no wonder you end up accepting dating crumbs. Although it is important to be able to see that just like drugs might feel good at the time the end result doesn’t. When you are able to see these types of relationships for what they really are then you are able to accept and enjoy a healthy relationship where your needs are actually met.
At the moment the only way to give up drugs is to go cold turkey and move through the stages of withdrawal. The same applies to give up these types of relationships.
To Stop Accepting Dating Crumbs You Can:
- GET REAL about the situation rather than be caught up in the fantasy of what the relationship is or could be. Do you want to waste any more time on someone who isn’t actually giving you what you want? It may feel exciting yet just like gambling or any other addiction it is causing more pain than anything else.
- It is time to stop excusing bad behaviour and treatment thinking and hoping they will change – they won’t.
- For the women, guys tell you what type of relationship they want and they don’t change it. When they want a real relationship with you, you will know it. Tell him you don’t want a half-hearted relationship. He will either step up or move on.
- Take action! People can only treat you how you allow them to treat you.
- Have someone you can be accountable to so that you don’t get caught back in the trap of intermittent rewards!
When you chose to let go of these people it will be tough to start with and you will feel empty but it will get easier with time. Have a plan to deal with your weak moments and distract yourself from thinking about them all the time. When you are busy it is much harder to fall back into a bad pattern of behaviour.
When you meet someone new take the time to listen to what they tell you rather than getting carried away with who you think they are and the romance of the situation.
If you are struggling to stop accepting dating crumbs a Relationship Coach can help you do that. Contact me to see how.
Here’s to your success in stopping accepting dating crumbs.